sun177.com:作文地带专家点评范文
2014-07-26 08:54:24   来源:作文地带   评论:0 双击单词自动翻译

首先,作文的整体思路需要进一步改善,这种短文章,一般是三段式,introduction、body、conclusion。否则像现在的结构就比较混乱、零散。最后一段只有一句话,不太合理。
该文原文为网友投稿,图片为作文地带专家批改:

It is generally acknowledged that many families now are not as close as they used to be. The reasons why the phenomenon will take place should be focused on.
 
The reasons seem to be very diverse and complex. Now, I want to voice some opinions. Firstly, It is due to people’s pursuit of affluent life. Because of the reason, a majority of families begin to pursue more money while they have little time to stay with their families.
 
Secondly, with the development of the technology, the living standard and quality have been improved dramatically. So people tend to be lazy and just enjoy and enjoy the entertainmenting time alone with their electronic devices in their own rooms.
 
Last but not least, generation gap seems to be an important invitation to the phenomenon. After  all, the style of communication and thinking pattern have varied from generation to generation.
 
As far as I'm concerned, faced with the common problem, we are supposed to take some active measures to change the current situation. On the one hand, we ought to take part in some public activities with our families to improve the tough relationship or create new opportunities to increase the mutual understanding. On the other hand, we should spend more time in staying with our families and talk about anything as we want to narrow the generation gap. Only in those ways can we lead a more delighting and harmonious life with our families.
 
In conclusion, we should love our familes sincerely and spend more time staying with them.

作文地带专家点评:
 
首先,作文的整体思路需要进一步改善,这种短文章,一般是三段式,introduction、body、conclusion。否则像现在的结构就比较混乱、零散。最后一段只有一句话,不太合理。
第一段就是导入主题,表明观点。第二段分析三个原因,可以不只是限于firstly,secondly…这样的连接词,比如换成更高级一点的to begin with, furthermore, in addition等。原因中,第二个说到科技发展的,为什么不去从电子设备的多样化导致人们太多的依赖电子网络交流,而忽视了与家人身边人的交流这个方向去分析呢?最后两段完全可以合为一段话。
 
建议:写作前不着急下手,先好好审题,思路理清,再开写,层次分明很重要!


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